Stained Glass Window

So the Invisible Children had a campaign of 25 hours of silence for the 25 year war going on in Uganda.I am very proud that they were able to raise $1.5 Million for a protection plan that will help warn areas in danger of the LRA’s attacks.  I decided to participate and gave my $25 dollars to a nice girl in high school named Stephanie, and planned to stay silent during the day.

If you couldn’t tell by my last post I’ve been in a weird all-to-familiar-lull that has been giving me the energy of a 70 year-old-woman and the memory of a goldfish.

I remembered the event after checking my email around 9:30 that morning. I work in a call center, so staying silent is hard. I merely kept my silence in between calls and was able to get through most of the day without speaking other than what was required of me.

That day I started listening to more of the stories around me and learned more about my co-workers than I expected to. Throughout the day I started thinking about silence, and how I liked it more than speaking. That may be a result of the season I am currently in, but I really enjoyed it. I tend to be a good listener most days, but yesterday it just seemed different.

It was nice not trying to put on a good mask or find the right words to say. It was a nice break to just be me and let my thoughts flow. People tend to think that I’m cold if I’m not bubbly and talking all the time. That’s why I started talking more in the first place. I think it’s unfortunate that quite people get a bad perception just because they don’t say everything that is on their minds.

Getting back in touch with my quiet side has unexpectedly taught me how exhausting the masquerade is. It might be a reason why my mentality is in the state that it is.

It’s times like these that I would want to reach out to community, but we are only human. We need explanations to help them help us at times. This time there isn’t much to explain, just a feeling that won’t leave. I think silence helps with frustrations like this. 

To those who are fighting through a season, like I am. Take the time to embrace silence. When the thoughts start forming then express yourself in whatever way is best for you. If the people of Uganda can continue fighting for peace, I have faith that our psyche’s can as well.

Easter just happened to fall during one of those seasons that I just don’t understand. It’s a time when smiling is just an act and your thoughts just keep running together. I gave up deciding if I like where my mind drifts to at all, let alone trying to figure out what it all means.

Being forever bored and not being boring is hard during times like these. Being who I want to be is not always the easiest thing to express during these type of periods. So a friend in a similar situation and I decided to hideaway for the weekend at the beach. It was nice and needed, but I wasn’t expecting my Easter Sunday to be what it was.

My friend wasn’t huge on the Sunrise service and I over slept by an hour. I decided to go meet God at the shore of the beach on my own, with my bible and playlist in hand. I got the idea to go on my own from an interview I Read about Jamie Tworkoski from TWLOA. Jamie said that he found it easiest to pray when he was surfing. That simple piece of honesty sparked many vast improvements in my own spiritual practices.

In hind sight, I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that I am so glad I missed that service.

More came from it than any gathering could have, even with my own congregation. When I told another friend how I missed the service and did my own thing….well she kind of gave me the typical slightly judgmental snuff.

You know the one I’m talking about. That “so you just didn’t feel like going.” tone was so ripe in her voice.As much as I didn’t appreciate that, I let her think what she wanted. It didn’t matter, because for those few brief hours I was out of this season.

I was out of everything. I was with God and and rejoicing in his love and sacrifice I don’t know if it was the tide running back and forth between my toes, the wind blowing, or the young dawn on me. I really felt peace and genuine worship out there in solidarity. It was the best Easter experience that I had ever had.

I really found God out there on the beach amongst the subtle, yet vast, chaos in my head. I honestly may take the drive and do it more often just to reconnect.

I felt the need to share that, because I want to say that it’s ok to be out of the box sometimes. When we do things that don’t always meet the norms of whatever culture accepts. We can often find what we need. No one else may understand.

I was reading out of Matthew and happened to come across something Jesus referred to as labor pains. He mentioned it was necessary for redemption. It helped me see that times like now build important things in me. I encourage you, in whatever season you maybe in, go with God and your gut on this one. Let the judges judge and let the pieces of life shoot like stars around you.

Everything will make sense one day, but until then you will be ok.

I was thinking today about the freedom our dreams give us. It’s the reason some days are harder to get out of bed than others. It’s a great escape from out realities to wander around in the beautiful dreams we make.

We take along time to tend to it and care for it. Its beauty inspires us and keeps us going even in the darkest of Winters. We believe that to be freedom from everything. The troubles, cares, and people who disappoint us everyday.

The path to freedom goes beyond the field of your dreams, and I feel people fail to realize that. It’s easy to have awesome ideas and dreams, but you have to do something about them. If not you’ll be stuck wandering around in that field forever.

As much as we want freedom, we are just that afraid of it.

That’s why people get stuck in the field and never get to truly experience it. The scenario reminds me of Dorthy and her friends off to the Emerald City. They loose sight of their true desires in a beautiful field of poppies. They almost don’t make it until they get a wake up call. That’s when they realized they were peaceful and happy, but it still wasn’t close to what was outside of that field.

It’s hard to find the motivation to get through the field. To take a chance and some focus to get to what will really make you happy, but there is no harm in trying. The field will survive even the coldest winters. Don’t wait till it slowly starts to whither to consider moving on. Take the memory of it’s beauty with you as you go.

It’s harder and harder to get out of bed lately. Realty is so far from that beautiful field, that the closest thing I can get is snuggling in between sheets and hoping that I can stay there and that my problems will go away.

My reality will never be where I want it to be if I don’t do something to get through this field. Community is an important element in getting out of the field. Dorthy couldn’t do it alone, and neither can I.

I am inspired to act after reading a quote that  my buddy Carli just posted.

“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.” - Charles Bukowski

If you think the field of dreams is beautiful I encourage you to take a step on the path to true freedom, that is more beautiful than you could imagine.

Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation with someone and they would just stop paying attention? Angry Birds, Words with Friends, and Facebook updates were more important than what we were talking about.

Somewhere along the way we have made it socially acceptable to be rude. It’s a growing concern of mine, and I am ashamed that we allow this. Funny videos and the entertainment on the internet is great to partake in and share, but not a substitute for genuine social interaction.

Don’t get me wrong. I love spending time with myself and getting lost in my imagination. That is good fun for the soul. You need to be able to enjoy being with yourself in order to enjoy being with others too. We couldn’t have possibly lost all capability of human interaction after the invention of the ipod. It’s like we don’t even bother wanting to get to know someone unless their is a benefit.

Maybe I’m just crazy? It’s so tiring to hear people say that they want to get to know you and connect with you, but don’t care enough about it to take the steps themselves. Self entertainment should not be done at the expense of our integrity.

I am so tired of battling with the internet and people’s phones just to hold a conversation, or feel a connection in the spirit of “Hey, what’s your story? Who are you?” People are a curious element to me, and I enjoy exploring that and getting to know them. We take having people in our lives for granted.  Other people feel the same and we tend to blame technology, and what it is doing in our culture.

No.

It’s time we took responsibility and blamed ourselves, or even better do something about it. Every person has the capability to take back their integrity if they really want to.

Personal interactions that don’t involve twitter and facebook are so simple and more intimate than they were 10 years ago. We decided that the only people we want to have those experiences with are the ones who can give us something back. If you can’t make us feel good about ourselves (or whatever else falling in love seems to do), than you are not worth a coffee chat or a phone call.

If you ever find a trend that someone is:

• Constantly bailing on you
• Not responding to phone calls or text at all/ in a timely fashion
• Never take the first step in any sort of plans
• Not attentive in conversations or any other interaction

Then they are subliminally telling you that you are not a priority to them.

It’s a heard reality of growing up, that you have to put people in those categories. It’s a necessity to function in life. If there were a way to make everyone a priority then the human condition wouldn’t involve so much selfishness.

Priorities are a slam against our integrity when we lie about who someone is to us. We also need to be honest with ourselves and realize that we will never be a priority to certain people. No matter how hard we try.

The responsibility goes both ways. If someone really matters to you talk about it with them (in person). Put the excuses aside and be honest.

This rant might sound pretty frustrated, but it actually comes from a positive place. People no longer disappoint me in this area, because I’ve recognized what I really mean to them. I focus more now on those worth my time, and on what it means to hold to my integrity even when I have stuff to get done.

I am so happy to announce that the funding for my friends film reBirth succeeded!

Thank you all so much for following me with this project and supporting the creativity and inspiration this idea stands for.

If you were able to donate. Awesome!

If you helped spread the word. Awesome!

Whatever you did worked and now there is a very good chance that one more awesome movie can happen! The writer of reBirth has amazing talent. I am positive that none of us will be disappointed with the outcome.

As for me. I don’t think I’m done with this project. I might have started something with this. I am afraid of a lot of things and will continue to explore those fears in this section of my blog. I also want to keep people up to date with what’s going on with the film.

For a writer, there is a lot of work that goes into to creating your work. The scariest and hardest part is seeing it come to life, and trying to make it happen. It’s a scary and exciting time, but anything that matters comes to this point. I have a lot of hope for what this could turn out to be, and I can’t wait to take you along for the ride.